You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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