as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
