I accidentally had phone sex last night
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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