I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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