I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
