period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
