I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
