Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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