there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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