if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
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I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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