Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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