After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
