Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
