I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
