I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
did you just send me my own nude
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
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My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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