If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
