His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
