there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
