you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
