During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
