no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
