my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
