If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
