Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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