Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
