he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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