apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
