Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
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