omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
