When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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