In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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