I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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