Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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