In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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