if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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