i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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