chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
We got so high we made milksteak
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
