I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
