stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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