I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
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You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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