do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
