gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
