smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
