I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
