On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
