The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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