i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
