Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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