There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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