Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize