6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
