did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
