1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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