i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
