OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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