I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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