I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Floor bacon is actually really good
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
